Who are you to tell me to take the stairs? (On ableism)

Ableism: discrimination or prejudice against individuals with disabilities (Merriam-Webster, 1981)

Sorry if this sounds like a rant, but I gotta get this off my chest

For those who know me well, you will know I’m the first defender of people with disabilities. I have urinary incontinence, which is a disability. I am also deaf (with a cochlear implant), which is another disability. I’m used to advocating for myself, and explain to my friends what my needs are. I’ve never had issues with my friends and they’ve been very accommodating.

Strangers… well not so much. Although there are laws protecting people with disabilities, sometimes people just don’t care. People don’t always let people with disabilities use priority seating in the transit system, for example.

Lately I’ve been dealing with something new. I’ve always had bad joints… it’s a family thing. My mom has been declared invalid 4 years ago at the age of 45. She has a rare disease named ankylosing spondylitis, which is a chronic inflammation of the axial skeleton and affects all joints. Think of arthrosis and arthritis put together, times 100. Why am I talking about this? Because it’s highly hereditary and I am most likely to be tested positive too now that she finally got a diagnosis (after 4 years).

Now when my mother first got sick, I was told that it was most likely a genetic condition I could have too. I used to do tons of sports. I did soccer, basket-ball and kin-ball (look this one up it’s worth it!). I was also a ballet dancer. I stopped everything. And I mean EVERYTHING… overnight.

With every sports there are risks of injury, and I had my share. I broke my ankle during a hiking trip, sprained both my ankles doing ballet, hurt my joints real bad multiple times… and I tore both menisci in my knees.

Now that’s an old sports injury that just went untreated. I mean, you can only repair it with surgery and well, I hate hospitals. I managed pretty well until last year when I started going out more. Going up and down stairs is pretty intense on the knees. Sometimes my knees would hurt at the end of the day. And I mean, I was fine with it and didn’t really mind nor complain about it… I just started taking stairs less.

Elevators have always been tricky. I’ve always felt bad for taking the elevator for one floor. I would try to take the stairs to not be an inconvenience to the people who have to go 8 floors up. If there’s an escalator I’d always take it first before calling the elevator.

Today, at school, the escalator was broken (it has been for 3 days). For the last 2 days I’ve taken the stairs, grunting. Yesterday my knees have been hurting more than usual and have had repercussions on today, meaning I woke up with my knees hurting already. So when I got in front of the broken escalator I decided I was not taking those stairs. I located the nearest elevator (luckily it wasn’t far) and waited for it.

There was a line waiting to get into the elevator, and people were chatting. There was a young girl, maybe my age (I still consider myself young!). There was a couple, the guy looked Indian of origin and the girl was Asian. I smiled at them. There was an old man walking with a cane, probably a professor getting to his class.

The elevator doors opened. People walked out of the elevator, we all walked in. As I got in front of the left-side panel, I see lights going up. 8-3-7. We were at the subway level and I needed to get to the ground floor. I felt myself becoming uncomfortable…

I’d usually wait for people going up and when I’d be up there I’d push the button and go back down, but today I was getting late for class and I had missed the two previous ones. I pushed the ground floor button and waited.

When the door opened seconds later, I walked out, but not before hearing a voice behind me. “Next time, maybe you should take the stairs!” said the old man. The door closed before I could say anything. I felt a tear coming. I tried to fight it.

Why was I feeling so bad? I was in pain, needed the elevator and took it. I needed to go to another floor. THIS IS WHY THERE IS AN ELEVATOR IN THE FIRST PLACE!

The man was walking with a cane… I had hoped to find an ally in him, not an enemy!

He should understand, no?

I don’t like to classify disabilities, but sometimes I think, maybe selfishly, that hidden disabilities are the worst. I shouldn’t be questioning whether or not I should have taken the stairs. I shouldn’t be feeling bad for trying to accommodate myself and my needs.

In the end, I’m on a waiting list for knee surgery, but in the meantime, I shouldn’t have to justify my usage of elevators to anyone.

A year later. Growing up and stuff.

Last weekend it marked a year since I’ve met my first ABDL/Little who wasn’t in the mirror. And as I like to do each year usually in my vanilla life, I like to review what happened in the past year but this time, with a kinky twist.

First the shyness, I was gonna go to my first munch at the end of February but choked out on it, being to scared of being judged or worst. I was so scared that during that day, even though I could only think about the munch that I missed, I decided to write to the only other active girl in the Montreal Littles and Ageplayers (at the time, it was a smaller group).

At that point, my nickname was Baby_Lily. That’s how I felt then, I felt like a baby opening up to this new world in front of her eyes. That quickly changed, after meeting “the boys” (the other two of the fantastic four), I changed my nickname to LittleMiss_Lily, as I was already ready to take charge and I felt powerful.

After my first encounter with the other fantastics, we started a skype chat for our group which is still active today. We would tell each other everything and eventually I invited them over to my parents’ house (who were away at the time) for a sleepover party, not realizing that I invited people to my first “playdate”. I still remember how much fun I had that night making a blanket fort, watching movies, falling asleep during movies, waking up covered in plushies…

And then came my first munch. I had a panic attack that morning but the other 3 organizers were right by my side and well… I was their ride so I HAD to go. And I remember how much fun it was even though I was shy in my corner and spent most of the munch colouring with another girl.

But then I drank the kool-aid. I was overly excited about everything and jumped with both feet into the BDSM community with a thirst for knowledge, and play. I tried pretty much everything I learned about, from spankings to fireplay to needle play to breathplay. I’ve tried having one sub, then another one, then I had a protege as well. I was going through play partners like I was going through diapers.

Then I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder (which ended up being a misdiagnosis… I’m only ADHD!). And I hit a wall. I started to take extremely numbing medication that made me stop pretty much everything BDSM related. I wasn’t really ageplaying either other than diapers but that’s for a medical reason so yeah…

Then school started, and my life became very hectic. I was running around like crazy, and didn’t have much time for a personal life. My fiancé became my priority. Then we got married and as the Starks predicted, winter came.

Life takes you all sorts of directions when you’re married. Especially when you met the guy less than a year prior to said wedding. He is my rock, my lifesaver, my lighthouse when I’m weak, drowning and lost. We went through a lot together and I’m glad I never have to face hardships alone any more.

Then we got a goal, our goal was to move to Toronto in order to join our friends, by that time I was PrincessLilybear, the princess in the far away castle, missing her big sister lots and lots and going to the greater Toronto area every month to keep my sanity and to join on the playdates there too. I made a lot of friends in the area and we decided that it was where we both wanted to live.

At that time, my ageplay and my vanilla life were already blending a lot. I was know in school as the girl with the pretty bows, or cute dresses and toys all around (I did a presentation in grad school with a puppet!). Then my friends at Ubisoft introduced me to Aurora, and to the magical world of Lemuria, where, I was told, a little girl that looked a lot like me went on a legendary quest. (And that’s all I can say about that without breaking non-disclosure agreements) As I was playing through this game, it made me realise how many of my own quests I went through and finished successfully during that year and then took on the nickname I have today, LittleAurora.

As I’m now in my cruise speed when it comes to kink (where nothing floats but ageplay), I’m realizing that I’ve grown a lot in the past year. Went from baby, to toddler, to princess. And then I went back to toddler princess, and now to baby princess (although if you ask me I’ll deny it) but still a little more mature than a year ago, almost day to day.

I’m cleaning out my closet

I’m sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry but tonight, I’m cleanin’ out my closet.
- Marshall Mathers (aka Eminem)

So tonight I’ve decided to write this post, because I’ve been going through something difficult for the past few days that led me to a self-discovery that totally changed my world.

For those who’ve known me for a while, you know that I am married to the most awesome Daddy in the world (at least in my world). For some of you with whom I had deeper conversations you also know that I like girls. I have admitted that I was once engaged to a girl and I’ve identified as bisexual on FetLife for a long while.

I went through a breakup recently. Without giving too much details I was dating someone, trying to see where it was leading me as I had a deep connection with and being polyamorous, I was opened to exploring a more romantic relationship with this person.

Now, the reasons of the breakup have nothing to do with this post, but it lead me to question myself, as most life-altering experiences have led me to do.

One of the questions that came to my mind was: Was I really polyamorous? Could I really have more than one relationship? Was it for me?

That answer has been easy to answer because I had other relationships before that were poly, and I have been able to have crushes or fall in love with more than one person at the time. And I believe in polyamory.

Now that led me to the next question: What attracts me in a partner?

That was a question that had to be split into two, because of gender (although I do believe gender to be a continuum and that I have pansexual friends, I identified as bisexual when it comes to my relationships).

What attracts me in a guy?

Well I had the perfect example, having my awesome husband and Daddy, I’ve been looking for others like him but couldn’t and that was troublesome… but I didn’t know why.

What attracted me in a girl?

Now… a lot of things did, and I had tons of examples of girls whom I’ve been attracted to… and I’d say they all had their little thing and I couldn’t make a list of things.

Wait… something’s wrong here!

I was only attracted to one guy but have been attracted to lots of girls! What does that mean?

I had a lengthy discussion with Daddy about it, I needed an outside opinion.

We had talks about the Kinsey scale, my idea of bisexuality, what being straight meant, what being gay meant (in my mind), then we talked about queer as a sexual orientation, and I felt that nothing fit really.

The Kinsey scale goes from 0 to 6: 0 means you’re exclusively heterosexual, and 6 means you’re exclusively homosexual.

Now in my head it meant that 3 was being bisexual because that’s the middle of the scale.

While I was talking with Daddy, we came to the realization that I was… a 5.

It meant that my Daddy was like… a statistical anomaly… and that I was mostly gay.

Holy … (insert 4-letter word here)

Hey that means… that I’m what here???

Looking at the FetLife choices of sexual orientations, the notion of “flexibility” appeared as a choice. The notion of flexibility in orientation (either homo- or hetero-) meant that you’re mostly one but have “exceptions”. Now it could vary from kissing girls at parties, to having sexual partners of the same (or opposite) gender. But was I married with flexibility?

Well heck, why not? I guess I am homoflexible, and found my flexible exception!

So yeah, I guess that’s my “coming out of the closet” post (for the most part!).

Why my Daddy took me to school and picked me up, and why it is sexy!

Sooooooo, you might have read the writing I posted this morning about triggers.Warning: This post might be triggering for you.

Here is one of mine. I am afraid to use public transit. That is because in 2009, I was sexually assaulted, beaten up and left for dead by an armed man that had followed me from the subway to the bus, to the alley I used as a shortcut to get home.

I haven’t taken transit since… That is, until I decided to face that fear as a New Year’s resolution and took the Toronto transit on January 1st. It was a different experience for me although quite similar, as the assault happened in Montreal.

My Daddy and Big Sister took me on the subway there and then I tried taking a streetcar (never been in a streetcar before). I was very very scared and had my eyes closed for the most part of it, but it ended up being fine and I was very proud of myself.

Now, I would prefer to use my car but the parking at my school is ridiculously expensive. My Daddy and I decided we would try taking the Montreal subway to go to school to save money.

Now I was really scared… but, the whole time he was there, holding my hand and took me to school. And when I was done with my class, he came to bring me home, still holding my hand, making sure I was safe.

And he’s planning to do it until I feel more comfortable taking it by myself.

And that, my friends, is what being a Daddy is all about. He makes me want to face my fears, and he is always there to catch me when I fall.

And that is sexy!

This one time at Ageplay Camp… (Or coming to term with mental illness)

As some of you might have noticed (or not, I wouldn’t blame you really), I’ve been inactive in the kink community lately… No more workshop, no more play (except for a very few exceptions).

The reason for this is that I am trying to come to term with a diagnosis I’ve received lately.

I’ve tried to apply this the same way I deal with kinks… Telling myself that my diagnosis is not their diagnosis but both of our diagnosis are okay.

Unfortunately that is not the case I think…

I used to think I had anxiety issues, that my freakouts were panic attacks and that I was prone to have depressive episodes but that otherwise, I was the life of the party and that I was a pretty awesome person to hang out with.

I would be the spontaneous, impulsive and sometimes compulsive girl that made your life just a little more interesting. And if you couldn’t live with it, your loss and it would be mostly your fault.

Then I went to Ageplay Camp…

It happened in May, and I remember that at the time I was still very much new to the kink world. I started in ageplay and fantasized a lot on the discipline aspect of it, being the receiving end of spankings and the likes. I had recently met le_fou, who was also new to BDSM but well versed in the ageplay scene and even though we were both littles and subs at the time we really clicked in the vanilla sense and we started dating.

We decided to go to this camping trip in the Ottawa region called Ageventures. It was organized by the Ottawa AB/DL/BF group and both le_fou and I were very excited to go. I was pretty nervous to go to my first kink/ageplay related event but at the same time I felt very hyper too.

A little background info is needed here… Even if I was new to this whole thing I approached it as I would any school subject… I’d read everything I can about it. Books, websites, blogs, articles, etc. Anything I could find on BDSM/Ageplay I would read. To the unknowing eye, I could probably pass for someone with experience in BDSM but before that camp I never spanked or got spanked by anyone. I had a little experience with rope as my good friend Andrew_Mtl showed me knots beforehand but that was really it.

When we got to this camp (with too much food, too much luggage and too much energy), le_fou and I split up in different rooms (since we had recently been dating I thought it’d be more appropriate to bunk with another girl for that weekend).

And then I started to drink…

Now really my alcohol history is easy to tell… I don’t drink anymore, because I drank to much in the past. That’s it and that is all. At camp the goal was to drink because everyone else was doing it and really… I needed the liquid courage.

And then I started playing and ‘scene’ing and being overly social.

Even some of my closest friends didn’t know until now what happened then. I cannot tell the story from someone else’s point of view, but only from mine. Here is what happened on the first night:

I scened with another girl, I was spanking here with a paddle that I had bought one week prior. It was a lot of fun and I felt so excited that I wanted to share the fun with everyone… and so I was letting whoever wanted to spank the girl do so (while she was tied up and basically helpless)… MISTAKE #1…

The girl was my bunkmate and I didn’t see her come to bed that night… I should have known something was up but was too caught up in my own world to notice.

The next day, I was still on the high from the previous night and still drinking as well so basically I just roamed around cuddling people and trying to make friends. During that day I started getting friendly with one of the guys and we agreed to play Daddy/babygirl for the event. That was lots of fun and I got the chance to explore one of my fantasies at the time which was a public diaper change. My mistake was to assume that everyone would be okay with it and that letting him ask people if they were okay would let me think that everyone was consenting to have it happen… MISTAKE #2…

Then afterwards, on the second night…

I wanted to do a scene with the girl I played with last night… or at least have her participate as we were getting really friendly and I thought that she was an awesome person. Because she wasn’t the spanking kind (and more of a spankee) I asked her if we could ageplay as some sort of aftercare. She said yes. So I played with this other awesome girl and after the scene, lots of people came to provide aftercare. About an 45 minutes (maybe an hour later) most of the people who were involved in said aftercare left to do other things and I thought that it would be time for me to do the “ageplay aftercare” part with the first girl.

But what happened is that she had also left.

I must say at that point that I had a strong feeling of abandonment because I didn’t really know why she left and didn’t realized that so much time happened between the scene, the first aftercare and that time. To be honest I wasn’t there at all and totally irrational. (Mistake #3)

In my state of psychosis, I dragged down people with me for hours on end and became physically ill. (Mistake #4) The first girl never came back but who would blame her? I was really not in the state of mind to do anything!

In the end (at 6 in the morning), everyone was pissed and just wanted to go to sleep, but some were scared for me as I was still not out of my crisis. After they got me to sleep they went to sleep as well (most of them with massive headaches).

The next day was hard because at this point everyone knew what happened the night before and it was also packing day as we had to leave before 2PM. Some people were taking sides and blame was randomly assigned but in the end people left the camp mostly thinking that’d be the end of it.

Now… as I come to realize fully what happened at that moment in time I realize that if I hadn’t had this psychotic episode none of this would have happened.

I’m not the kind of person to live with regrets, but I think it wouldn’t be right for me to try and seek forgiveness of the people I have wronged and to make amends for my mistakes. I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder for which I now take medication for. It doesn’t excuse for what happened but I hope it will prevent things like this from happening again.

It’s not pretty, but it’s my life. I have an illness that I am working on accepting, and manage. I hope I can be forgiven for my mistakes.

vanillabeans, I am sorry for how I treated you then, and since. I hope someday you can forgive me.

Bombshellkitten, I am sorry that I dragged you down that night, and afterwards. I am also sorry for the things I said in my moments of frustration.

akanboryu, I am sorry I placed you in an awkward position and that I forced you into a situation that was not yours to be in.

FoxCubby, I am sorry for the times I’ve expected and/or forced you to pick sides.

le_fou, I am sorry that you had to be witness to my mistakes, that you were forced to take part into this situation and that you lost friendship opportunities because of my illness.

To conclude… TOMKAT is coming in less than 2 weeks… Another Ageplay Camp… where I will see again these people (some for the first time since) and have to interact with them.

I have one wish… and it is that the past can stay in the past. That we can work towards a better future and that even though I expect you to hold me accountable for my past mistakes, that it will not prevent you from seeing in me the best of intentions.



Who am I?

People tell me I’m a Little, a Mommy, a Brat, a Sub, a Domme, a Slave, a Mistress, a Sadist, a Masochist, a Rigger, a Rope Bunny… a Switch.

I told myself I was a Little, a Mommy, a Brat, a Sub, a Domme, a Slave, a Mistress, a Sadist, a Masochist, a Rigger, a Rope Bunny… a Switch.

I’ve been a teacher, I’ve been a student.

But now I figured out who I am.

I’m a Little… that is true. I am a little most of the time. I’m a true inner child.
I can be a Mommy… but I need the right little… which I already have.
I can be bratty, only if you’re not giving me what I need.
No way in hell I can be a sub… I’ve seen others do it and admire them but it’s not for me.
I am definitely a Domme. I am a Domme most of the time when I’m not little. Some people call me Princess because I act young but they follow my orders to the letter.
My boyfriend acts like a slave. I could never do what he does, that is for sure.
I am a Mistress, to a pet and my boyfriend. That is true.
I’m definitely a Sadist, and a Masochist. I do to others what I want to be done to me. I guess that Jesus guy would be proud!
I love bondage, to be in it or to do it. Rigger or Rope Bunny count me in!

But am I a switch? When my main roles are so polarized. I cannot be a sub nor a slave… but I can be a little. Is that being a switch? I don’t think so.

Oh well. Guess I am a Domme after all. My Mentor and Ima should be proud, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

Some, most, one, all. One collar to rule them all!

Dear Diary! giggles

It’s been a while since I wrote things here… I mean, other than the controversial stuff and all… It’s been a while since I spilled my guts out, talked about MY story.

I recently labelled myself as a switch. I’ve discovered recently that I enjoy giving pain a lot, and dominating people in general. Even though I much prefer being a submissive to SOME… I can be a dominant to MOST.

In terms of my ageplay though… it’s the opposite! I can be a Mommy to ONE… but a little girl to ALL.

What does that make me? The reason why the relationship status “It’s complicated” has been invented.

When I go to BDSM play parties… I’m treated like a princess (literally). But then when I go to birthday parties… I’m just one of the kids. And I’m fine with that!

I’ve learned to know that the Kink World isn’t as black and white as I thought it’d be… And it has definitely more than 50 shades.

Where does that leave me? I’ve recently been collared by my boyfriend. Yup! Boyfriend with the proper grammar/capitalization. He’s not my dominant, yet not my submissive either. I take more charge in our couple but he is in charge of other things too. It’s like a vanilla with benefits relationship…

But why the collar?

Simply because the symbolic of the collar means a lot to us. It’s a tie that binds people together. We are tied together. We love each other. We are life (vanilla and kinky) partners.

How do you factor poly and collar?

I. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. CLUE. YET… I’m not all-knowing and yes, I can admit that there are certain bridges I’m willing to cross when I see them.

So how do I approach you in terms of protocol?

Like you would approach any decent human being… by presenting yourself, telling who you are and if you really feel protocolish… Then treat me like a Domme… They somewhat get more respect… lol!

I’ve recently been a guest to The Big Little Podcast (episode 82: New to Ageplay).

It was interesting to interact with other newbies… because even if I’ve became somewhat of an expert in Ageplay really quickly (4 months) and that I’m the Montreal reference in Ageplay (giving workshops and all)… I’m still new to all of this!

I still make mistakes and as my brother remind me this morning… I’m allowed and expected to make them… just because I’m new and it’s a fact… newbies make mistakes… that’s how we learn!

All in all… right now life is good, and I’m sure going to enjoy it while it is! :D

Why regressed littles have no place in BDSM parties…

Usual disclaimer applies… This opinion is my OWN. Also, your kink is your kink, mine is mine and everyone is fine!

In light of recent events affecting the local BDSM community, I’ve been thinking a lot about ageplayers and BDSM in general.

Backstory: Two members of the Montreal BDSM community were arrested for production, possession and distribution of child pornography. Said pornographic material was involving BDSM scenes with children.

Now, I am in no way saying that Littles and Ageplayers are children, or that they should be taken as such in a legal sense. Or that there is a link between pedophilia and ageplay whatsoever… (If you were still thinking that, then you missed your daily ration of common sense)

But now that I’m about to prepare to go to a BDSM play party tonight, I was wondering what was my position as an ageplayer, and a kinkster, when it comes to ageplaying in BDSM parties.

Some ageplayers regress during their play, and then access a mental state that is of a child. This is not the case for everyone but for some of us it’s a very real thing. When that happens your emotional state, psychological state and sometimes physical state (dexterity, motor skills, urinary and bowel control, etc.) is that of a child.

Everyone knows that children cannot give informed consent, especially when that involves BDSM or sexual activities… so what happens to the consent of ageplayers who are in a regressed state?

Can regressed ageplayers give consent to impact play scenes (spanking, flogging, etc.)? What about needle play? Knife play? Any kind of Edge play?

What about sexual intercourse?

I personally play with age roles when I go to parties… I dress up in cutesy Hello Kitty stuff and strut around with pigtails on my head… but I never regress. Why? Because I think that it doesn’t have its place in a BDSM party.

A lot of people won’t agree with me… but having a “kids section” where ageplayers are colouring while a couple meters further you have a medical table with needle players… is just wrong!

Ageplay parties and BDSM parties should be separate (and by that I mean keeping the regressed ageplayers in a different room, or different venue while there is play). Real children wouldn’t understand, so why would regressed adults process things better?

Now I understand that I may be opening Pandora’s Box here… but I’d really love to have a debate going!

Whatever you do… accidents happen.

I’ve asked myself recently… which camp do I reside with? The one I’ve learned from (SSC)? Or maybe another one… like RACK or PRICK?

A lot of debate has sparked on different writings about SSC vs RACK vs PRICK… People say that Ageplayers are not SSC by definition because Ageplay is Edgeplay…

To which… after careful consideration… I can agree with in certain situations!

I know a lot of my friends will have something to say about this, especially since we’re trying to say all the time that ageplay isn’t edgeplay…

I mean, let’s face it… no one died from ageplaying… as far as I know!

But… people have been hurt because of ageplay, hurt pretty badly.

And I am one of them.

Of course… the usual disclaimers apply… this is about my own experience and only my own, therefore it doesn’t apply to all ageplayers and I own my opinions and blah blah blah…

I must say I have a lot of people now that I consider my friends… some people I even consider family… this is something new to me! And now I’ve started playing more actively in my local community and with the surrounding communities as well. With their help, I’m discovering a lot about myself and what I like to which I’m eternally grateful for.

One thing I discovered is the importance of aftercare.

For those who have no clue what I’m talking about… aftercare is what happens when a “scene” or a “play” is over… when either one of the players used a safeword or just when they both decide it’s time to stop. It’s that thing you need to do so that people don’t drop too hard on you and have a bunch of depression-like symptoms or worse…

Your aftercare will be different than mine… because you are different. And your needs are different. So it is crucial that you figure out what your needs are in terms of aftercare ASAP.

I discovered some of my needs recently. It will vary according to the type of scene and the intensity.

As a Dom/Rigger/Sadist, the aftercare I need is to actually provide what the other person needs… Giving them cuddles… applying cream where the impact was done, where the rope was, where the marks will be… I will also tell them how awesome they were, thank them for playing with me and hold them tight. I will attend to their physical needs, as well as their emotional needs in order to attend to my own at the same time.

As a sub/rope slut/masochist/little… I’ve discovered that I’m needy… I need the cuddles, the cute words, the cream, and everything in between… but I also discovered that the best way to help me get back on my feet is to help me regress (I’m an ageplayer and a kid at heart) to the stage of infancy… make me feel like a baby and care for me… but we are talking about an intense scene here… not just your everyday spanking!

That’s my need… it’s not your need… and that’s okay… but if we’re to play together… you need to know that and respect it.

Accidents happen… especially when you play for the first time… first time ever or first time with new partners! You’re getting to know them, get to know their needs, get to know their reactions and sometimes things get emotionally hard to deal with…

One thing you must realize is that when you play, risks are involved… I guess I really am RACK when I say that because I believe that nothing is really SAFE… Only Safer and Less Safe…

One of the risks is that the person will not be able to provide to your needs… either during the scene or during the aftercare. Once you’re aware of that, I guess it makes it easier to deal with!

But here’s why I think ageplay can and sometimes should be considered edgeplay:

Ageplay deals with the psyche… When you’re regressed… you deal with things differently… you have different reactions to things. People who aren’t ticklish become extremely sensitive to human touch. People who are cold on the exterior will become the first ones to hug people and cry at nothing. You just become a different person when you are regressed.

When you are regressed… you will NOT understand certain things that happens to you or to people around you… things you would understand as an adult you won’t understand as a baby/child. Why people behave a certain way, why do they take this or that decision… It’s just out of your reach during that period.

You will understand later, with a different perspective… and adult perspective… but until then, you have to face the situation…

I still haven’t figured that part out yet. But one thing I know… is that my little side was hurt during one of those scenes. I’m working on making it better, trying to understand why the other person reacted this way, and try to get my little to come at peace with things, but it takes time, and energy.

And it takes friends. And it also needs to be talked about with the players involved in the scene. It’s not something that can be done by yourself (at least, you can only patch things up until a similar situation happens again).

But let’s see it from the other side… the accident happened… you see your partner get hurt… and you feel responsible… Hell! Others say it’s your fault!

What are you supposed to think? You regret playing with that person… Hell you regret playing with anyone after that… because playing can lead to accidents that hurt people. People that you love and care for. You decide you will not play with that person ever again, and try to keep away from them so you don’t hurt them more. That’s a very natural reaction…

Heck… I’d react the same way if it happened to me.

But from my own personal point of view I don’t think that’s the best reaction… Simply because the person who got hurt never got closure… She needs to know that she played well… that she was a good girl… that you don’t hate her… especially that you don’t hate her… because she thinks you do… she thinks that she hurt you and that it’s all her fault and that she made a mistake… and she needs to hear from YOU what is the reality instead of creating her own… because her own is wrong and twisted.

Sane, safe and consensual doesn’t apply to ageplay in my opinion because of the kind of risks involved… Risk Aware Consensual Kink is more fitting… That’s my opinion… and as with any Risk Aware situation… accidents happen.

But it’s how you deal with the aftermath of these accidents that will determine if it’s edgeplay or not.

The girl in the box: A metaphor

A conversation between my therapist and me.

My avatar on FetLife is a girl in a box.

Let’s start with that…

Ever been in a yard sale? People sell their used stuff hoping that people will make good use of it and take it for their own or find them a better place?

You take one or two plushies. Stuff them in a box. Put a price on them and let the fun begin.

Unless you’re putting yourself in the box.

I feel like I’m trying to sell myself. And I guess it’s what I’m doing… Sell myself so that someone will take care of me and protect me forever. But what I thought was damaged goods to me is sacred treasure for others…

And this is where it gets messy.

People want the goods for different purposes. I could by a plushie in a yard sale to give to my niece, or keep to myself to decorate my room or to have something to cuddle and love at night.

In my case, some people want me to play, some want me for me, some want me just to sit by and decorate (not literally but almost).

And this is all confusing and exciting at the same time.


Well because I went from being the invisible girl to the centre of attention. I’m discovering that I enjoy people liking me. Especially now that they like me for me.

But where is the problem then?

Well I crave it now… I want people to want me. I need people to need me. (Pretty much like that Cheap Trick song) And it becomes an issue because I forget my own obligations because I crave the attention.

What are you gonna do now?

I have no clue. Not because I don’t know what I SHOULD do… but more because I don’t know what I WANT to do. The Myers-Briggs personality test defines me as the Protector Supporter… which is totally true. I will be there for people in their worst time. I find my value in being what others want me to be…

But at the same time… now people value me for being myself now! Which is awesome!!!


But now… the people who I’m surrounding myself with value me for being that girl who wears diapers and acts like a 4 year old…

And that’s not you?

Well… not entirely. My little is taking more and more space in my life yes… but damnit! I’m also someone who works in research! I’m also a girl that does ballet dancing. I’m so so many things… But I don’t derive any pleasure from it anymore… It became a burden.

Why a burden?

Because it’s something I have to do.

Why don’t you just stop then? Stop doing what you have to do and do what you want to do?

Because this is not how life works! I cannot REALLY be bought. It doesn’t work like that. One thing I learned in life is that nothing is eternal.

Then why is your avatar a girl in a box?

Because… It’s how I feel… I feel like I’m putting myself on display hoping that someone will take me and make me theirs. But also at the same time… I see others being taken before me. People passing by ignoring the box. People looking but thinking I’m some dirty old toy. People seeing my flaws and rejecting me for them. People not seeing my full potential because of one scratch or one stain… or many!

Time’s up! When’s our next appointment?