As some of you might have noticed (or not, I wouldn’t blame you really), I’ve been inactive in the kink community lately… No more workshop, no more play (except for a very few exceptions).
The reason for this is that I am trying to come to term with a diagnosis I’ve received lately.
I’ve tried to apply this the same way I deal with kinks… Telling myself that my diagnosis is not their diagnosis but both of our diagnosis are okay.
Unfortunately that is not the case I think…
I used to think I had anxiety issues, that my freakouts were panic attacks and that I was prone to have depressive episodes but that otherwise, I was the life of the party and that I was a pretty awesome person to hang out with.
I would be the spontaneous, impulsive and sometimes compulsive girl that made your life just a little more interesting. And if you couldn’t live with it, your loss and it would be mostly your fault.
Then I went to Ageplay Camp…
It happened in May, and I remember that at the time I was still very much new to the kink world. I started in ageplay and fantasized a lot on the discipline aspect of it, being the receiving end of spankings and the likes. I had recently met le_fou, who was also new to BDSM but well versed in the ageplay scene and even though we were both littles and subs at the time we really clicked in the vanilla sense and we started dating.
We decided to go to this camping trip in the Ottawa region called Ageventures. It was organized by the Ottawa AB/DL/BF group and both le_fou and I were very excited to go. I was pretty nervous to go to my first kink/ageplay related event but at the same time I felt very hyper too.
A little background info is needed here… Even if I was new to this whole thing I approached it as I would any school subject… I’d read everything I can about it. Books, websites, blogs, articles, etc. Anything I could find on BDSM/Ageplay I would read. To the unknowing eye, I could probably pass for someone with experience in BDSM but before that camp I never spanked or got spanked by anyone. I had a little experience with rope as my good friend Andrew_Mtl showed me knots beforehand but that was really it.
When we got to this camp (with too much food, too much luggage and too much energy), le_fou and I split up in different rooms (since we had recently been dating I thought it’d be more appropriate to bunk with another girl for that weekend).
And then I started to drink…
Now really my alcohol history is easy to tell… I don’t drink anymore, because I drank to much in the past. That’s it and that is all. At camp the goal was to drink because everyone else was doing it and really… I needed the liquid courage.
And then I started playing and ‘scene’ing and being overly social.
Even some of my closest friends didn’t know until now what happened then. I cannot tell the story from someone else’s point of view, but only from mine. Here is what happened on the first night:
I scened with another girl, I was spanking here with a paddle that I had bought one week prior. It was a lot of fun and I felt so excited that I wanted to share the fun with everyone… and so I was letting whoever wanted to spank the girl do so (while she was tied up and basically helpless)… MISTAKE #1…
The girl was my bunkmate and I didn’t see her come to bed that night… I should have known something was up but was too caught up in my own world to notice.
The next day, I was still on the high from the previous night and still drinking as well so basically I just roamed around cuddling people and trying to make friends. During that day I started getting friendly with one of the guys and we agreed to play Daddy/babygirl for the event. That was lots of fun and I got the chance to explore one of my fantasies at the time which was a public diaper change. My mistake was to assume that everyone would be okay with it and that letting him ask people if they were okay would let me think that everyone was consenting to have it happen… MISTAKE #2…
Then afterwards, on the second night…
I wanted to do a scene with the girl I played with last night… or at least have her participate as we were getting really friendly and I thought that she was an awesome person. Because she wasn’t the spanking kind (and more of a spankee) I asked her if we could ageplay as some sort of aftercare. She said yes. So I played with this other awesome girl and after the scene, lots of people came to provide aftercare. About an 45 minutes (maybe an hour later) most of the people who were involved in said aftercare left to do other things and I thought that it would be time for me to do the “ageplay aftercare” part with the first girl.
But what happened is that she had also left.
I must say at that point that I had a strong feeling of abandonment because I didn’t really know why she left and didn’t realized that so much time happened between the scene, the first aftercare and that time. To be honest I wasn’t there at all and totally irrational. (Mistake #3)
In my state of psychosis, I dragged down people with me for hours on end and became physically ill. (Mistake #4) The first girl never came back but who would blame her? I was really not in the state of mind to do anything!
In the end (at 6 in the morning), everyone was pissed and just wanted to go to sleep, but some were scared for me as I was still not out of my crisis. After they got me to sleep they went to sleep as well (most of them with massive headaches).
The next day was hard because at this point everyone knew what happened the night before and it was also packing day as we had to leave before 2PM. Some people were taking sides and blame was randomly assigned but in the end people left the camp mostly thinking that’d be the end of it.
Now… as I come to realize fully what happened at that moment in time I realize that if I hadn’t had this psychotic episode none of this would have happened.
I’m not the kind of person to live with regrets, but I think it wouldn’t be right for me to try and seek forgiveness of the people I have wronged and to make amends for my mistakes. I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder for which I now take medication for. It doesn’t excuse for what happened but I hope it will prevent things like this from happening again.
It’s not pretty, but it’s my life. I have an illness that I am working on accepting, and manage. I hope I can be forgiven for my mistakes.
vanillabeans, I am sorry for how I treated you then, and since. I hope someday you can forgive me.
Bombshellkitten, I am sorry that I dragged you down that night, and afterwards. I am also sorry for the things I said in my moments of frustration.
akanboryu, I am sorry I placed you in an awkward position and that I forced you into a situation that was not yours to be in.
FoxCubby, I am sorry for the times I’ve expected and/or forced you to pick sides.
le_fou, I am sorry that you had to be witness to my mistakes, that you were forced to take part into this situation and that you lost friendship opportunities because of my illness.
To conclude… TOMKAT is coming in less than 2 weeks… Another Ageplay Camp… where I will see again these people (some for the first time since) and have to interact with them.
I have one wish… and it is that the past can stay in the past. That we can work towards a better future and that even though I expect you to hold me accountable for my past mistakes, that it will not prevent you from seeing in me the best of intentions.