I’m sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry but tonight, I’m cleanin’ out my closet.
- Marshall Mathers (aka Eminem)
So tonight I’ve decided to write this post, because I’ve been going through something difficult for the past few days that led me to a self-discovery that totally changed my world.
For those who’ve known me for a while, you know that I am married to the most awesome Daddy in the world (at least in my world). For some of you with whom I had deeper conversations you also know that I like girls. I have admitted that I was once engaged to a girl and I’ve identified as bisexual on FetLife for a long while.
I went through a breakup recently. Without giving too much details I was dating someone, trying to see where it was leading me as I had a deep connection with and being polyamorous, I was opened to exploring a more romantic relationship with this person.
Now, the reasons of the breakup have nothing to do with this post, but it lead me to question myself, as most life-altering experiences have led me to do.
One of the questions that came to my mind was: Was I really polyamorous? Could I really have more than one relationship? Was it for me?
That answer has been easy to answer because I had other relationships before that were poly, and I have been able to have crushes or fall in love with more than one person at the time. And I believe in polyamory.
Now that led me to the next question: What attracts me in a partner?
That was a question that had to be split into two, because of gender (although I do believe gender to be a continuum and that I have pansexual friends, I identified as bisexual when it comes to my relationships).
What attracts me in a guy?
Well I had the perfect example, having my awesome husband and Daddy, I’ve been looking for others like him but couldn’t and that was troublesome… but I didn’t know why.
What attracted me in a girl?
Now… a lot of things did, and I had tons of examples of girls whom I’ve been attracted to… and I’d say they all had their little thing and I couldn’t make a list of things.
Wait… something’s wrong here!
I was only attracted to one guy but have been attracted to lots of girls! What does that mean?
I had a lengthy discussion with Daddy about it, I needed an outside opinion.
We had talks about the Kinsey scale, my idea of bisexuality, what being straight meant, what being gay meant (in my mind), then we talked about queer as a sexual orientation, and I felt that nothing fit really.
The Kinsey scale goes from 0 to 6: 0 means you’re exclusively heterosexual, and 6 means you’re exclusively homosexual.
Now in my head it meant that 3 was being bisexual because that’s the middle of the scale.
While I was talking with Daddy, we came to the realization that I was… a 5.
It meant that my Daddy was like… a statistical anomaly… and that I was mostly gay.
Holy … (insert 4-letter word here)
Hey that means… that I’m what here???
Looking at the FetLife choices of sexual orientations, the notion of “flexibility” appeared as a choice. The notion of flexibility in orientation (either homo- or hetero-) meant that you’re mostly one but have “exceptions”. Now it could vary from kissing girls at parties, to having sexual partners of the same (or opposite) gender. But was I married with flexibility?
Well heck, why not? I guess I am homoflexible, and found my flexible exception!
So yeah, I guess that’s my “coming out of the closet” post (for the most part!).